Written By: Nate Thomas & Kyle Swirbliss
Going into Batman V. Superman we didn’t allow ourselves to have any expectations for the movie. It would’ve been easy for us to dismiss the movie, but we did our best to put personal feelings aside and really take an objective look at the film. And yet, as much as we had hoped to enjoy this behemoth, we found ourselves poking holes in the movie as we watched.
In other words: Here is a very condensed list of our comments about the debacle that is Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice…
- The first present day scene in the movie, is the battle of Kryptonians from Man of Steel, from Bruce Wayne’s perspective. Almost the entire scene is taken up by some of the most shameless product placement we have ever seen. “Look at this special Jeep turn left really hard. Now watch it turn right really hard. Wow, look how quickly it stopped! Jeep: A lifetime of freedom in a world of adventure.”
- Wonder Woman was pretty cool, but we are left to wonder if she was only cool, because she wasn’t in the movie long enough for her character to be ruined.
Eisenberg’s Luthor was interesting, but memorable for the wrong reasons. Luthor’s cunning and diabolical nature cut through so spectacularly. He would have been a satisfying villain if not for the stylistic choice to make him a zany, unpredictable, millennial genius (who looked like he was a 40 year old trying to look cool) went theatricality beyond what should have been present given the tone and direction of the film. On top of that, his role in the film was to get Superman and Batman to fight to the death. An idea that takes a lot of planning that Lex certainly did. The only problem is, Lex’s huge diabolical 18 month plan, was foiled by someone in the mailroom screwing up at his job, by not giving the damn CEO of the company his mail.
In this movie, Lois Lane or as Superman calls her: “Lo”, might have been the worst character in the entire movie. In the comics, Lois Lane is a badass journalist who doesn’t take crap from anyone, and kicks some asses when she needs to. Batman V. Superman Lois Lane, is a ditzy damsel in distress. With lines like: “I don’t know how it’s possible…For you to love me and be you.”. Not to worry though, Superman has this covered. He solves the problem by jumping into a tub fully clothed MAKING A HUGE MESS ALL OVER THE BATHROOM FLOOR, GODDAMN IT CLARK.
One of Lois’ big moments is when she gets to decide what happens with the kryptonite spear that Batman was going to kill Superman with. So what does she do with it? Does she give it back to Batman? Does she do something useful? Nope, she throws the all powerful weapon that could easily kill her boyfriend into a giant puddle. Slow claps everyone, slow claps.
Oh Superman. Superman Superman Superman. You made us sad. With your big ripply arms…and hairy muscular chest…and…what? What were we talking about? Oh right how terrible Superman was. *Cough* ANYWAY…
In this movie, Superman came off as an out of touch idiot whose entire role in the movie was to be the target of Batman’s brooding. During the fight between Superman and Batman, one of Batman’s main weapons, is a grenade launcher that shoots out kryptonite gas canisters. Which, takes Superman by surprise the first time around. The second time…well…
The second time, Superman walks face first into the kryptonite grenade, as you do. This is ridiculous for a few reasons. Batman was using a modified M203 CS round, which is an extremely loud round to load, and also an extremely slow round. It has a muzzle velocity (how fast it is going when it leaves the muzzle of a gun) of 250 feet per second, which is a fraction of the speed of a normal bullet. It is also slower than the speed of sound (1,126 ft/second). So, Superman, who had his powers back to almost full strength at this point, would have heard the round being loaded, and being shot, and would have had ample time to move out of harm’s way.
At the end of the big battle against Doomsday, Superman is killed. Or so we thought. DUHN DUHN DUHHHHHH!!! Well, we all knew he was going to live, except for the one little kid in the theater with us that loudly asked his mom “Did Superman just die?”. Yes little boy, yes he did. What you should be asking though, is why your parents are bringing you to a movie that has your favorite heroes murdering people because they can. We will get to that.
So Superman wasn’t actually dead (I’m sorry for lying to you small child). My problem with him being alive at the end of the film is that he was dead for all of five minutes. Yes yes, we all know he is going to come back, but let it marinate a little while damn. He wasn’t even buried yet. Plus, the dirt that was thrown on the casket by “Lo” starting floating. So surprise people: Superman has a new gravity power.
Affleck’s controversial casting as the Dark Knight was put to the test, and despite the doubts, played a believable and adequate Gotham billionaire and vigilante. The mystery and the intrigue of the Batman is something that usually builds to some epic encounter, yet the story does not showcase nearly enough of this Gotham legend to lead audiences to believe this “Bat-Vigilante” is really a meaningful figure (I understand this is not simply a Batman movie, but the fictional character mythos itself is semi-important).
Batman’s origin story was also decently well done. It wasn’t dragged out. It showed viewers what they needed to know and moved on. Then flashed back to it later for no reason, but we digress.
Also we have to admit, Zack Snyder (director) deserves some brownie points for the Robin costume covered in Joker spray paint.
Okay, that wraps up the somewhat positive stuff we have to say about Batman, now onto the fun stuff.
One of Nate’s biggest problems with Batman over the past few years, is the fact that directors feel the need to change the Batman voice. Yes, this voice change was electronic, which was better than Christian Bale’s version, but why do they have to keep giving him the cookie monster voice?
So we have some surprising news. BATMAN DOESN’T KILL PEOPLE. “Wait what?” You might say. “Wahuh?” You might ask, but it is true. Batman doesn’t kill people. He doesn’t need to. He is so good at what he does, that he doesn’t have to resort to killing petty criminals or terrorists. Sometimes enemies die around him, but that’s only because, on bad days, he doesn’t like to go out of his way to save a scumbag’s life, but he doesn’t kill them. Enter Zack Snyder’s Batman.
In a scene where Batman is chasing smugglers to get the kryptonite they are stealing, Batman has a bit too much fun. If fun is directly causing nine deaths. Including one that left a corpse stuck bouncing on his wheel cover. Reminder: These criminals are just smugglers, which isn’t even a capital offense! So these smugglers, because they have something that he wants, that he illegally wants to steal, to murder Superman, Batman decides to kill a huge amount of them. Then Superman shows up and makes the killings irrelevant because screw it let’s have a cool “Do you bleed?” line in there. Later Batman kills seven more people, bringing his total up to 16 on screen kills.
More General Comments:
- Sadly, the fight between Batman and Superman, of which this movie was named, seemed to last less than a mere 20 minutes, as the woefully unprepared Superman was taken down by Batman, and was spared only after “the world’s greatest detective” realized what we all knew; which was that at heart, this alien is really just a mama’s boy who is trying to do right by the world because his Dad was a pure of heart Kansas farmer, instilling this Kantish desire to do good.
- The reason to stop fighting boiled down to: “Wait…your mommy’s name is Martha? MY mommy’s name is Martha! Ok we can be best friends now!”
- The fighting that leads up to the death of Doomsday (during which Batman is just dodging things and looking for something useful to do), and what was thought to be the death of Superman can only be described as heroic melodrama, destruction porn, and grunting. On top of that, Doomsday looked like the troll from Lord of The Rings, if someone cut it’s dick off. That someone, we assume, is Zack Snyder…personally…with his own two hands.
Basically, this movie was terrible, painful to sit through, exhausting, and made us feel a sense of relief when it was over. But, as every writer should, we sacrificed for our art, and saw it twice. Because that is the kind of guys we are. Sacrificers. Through and through.