BREAKING NEWS (Again): Prez Bob Saves The Day

Written By: Brandon Nogueira

After less than 24 hours under President Trump’s rule, Fitchburg State students have begun to riot. Looting and protesting down North Street have caused police to have to call in riot patrol. In this 24 hour period, five students have been injured, and two are dead. Nate Thomas, a supporter of Fitchburg State’s new President Trump, has been on the run from protesters and is in hiding.

When Trump took control of FSU, he had big plans to “make the University great again.” Unsurprisingly, these plans have all come crashing down in the wake of the riots and protests. Daka, now called “Trump Hall,” was torn apart and closed within the first 3 hours. 

The move that outraged students the most was the forced shut down of some prominent clubs on campus, including the LGBTQ club, the Dance Club, among others. 

In an effort to recover from the past 24 hours of rioting, President Trump called students and faculty together for a speech on the Quad. 

“We are moving in the right direction, believe me, we are moving in the right direction. This rioting is pointless; there is nothing you can do, I am Fitchburg State now.” 

This riled up the rioting students even more than before. They were becoming increasingly violent. Just when it seemed like the crowd was going to charge the stage, things got a lot quieter. All of a sudden, the crowd started to split down the middle. In the middle of the crowd, walking towards the stage, was Prez Bob, splitting the red sea of shocked students.

Following behind Prez Bob was most of the faculty of Fitchburg State. Directly behind Prez Bob, was Demisty D. Bellinger, who was recently fired by Trump for speaking against his policies. 

Prez Bob walked up to the stage and held up a stack of papers. “Here in my hand is a collection of legal documents given to me by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, giving me back the position of President of Fitchburg State.

The group of students burst out into loud cheers. People were crying, hugging, and jumping up and down in excitement.

Nate Thomas, Trump’s right-hand-man, was also cheering. It later came out that Thomas was the one who called Prez Bob, hoping to overthrow Trump from within.

Prez Bob stood up on the stage and rallied the crowd.

“Ok people, we have a lot of cleaning up and recovering to do. I want to see everyone helping in any way possible. Let’s make this the #1 State University again!”

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Categories: Satire

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