BREAKING NEWS (Last Time We Swear): Multiple Students in Critical Condition After Street Hockey Accident

Written By: Kyle Swirbliss

There was some trouble yesterday just off campus at Fitchburg State. The first official game between the members of the Fitchburg State Street Hockey Club was cut short before the end of the first period. Multiple injuries were racked up after an unfortunate and unavoidable scheduling conflict had sent the newly formed club had their first game in the center of Myrtle Avenue.  

After being unable to secure a rink on John Fitch Highway as the club had intended they were left with no other choice but to find a new location for their game. It was tied at zero at roughly 3:30 in the afternoon when a school bus driver turned onto Myrtle Avenue 7 times pummeling nets, sticks, and the limbs of 7 unlucky undergraduates. “It was unfortunate what happened really,” said Mike, a freshman spokesman for the club, and now more recently a rookie free agent, “I guess we just were really excited to get our season started before the end of the semester. Should we have called the game after our rosters got thinned out by that elementary school bus? Maybe, but we had a game to play, and hindsight is always 20/20. Not much else we could’ve in a situation like that.”

Witnesses described the bus driver as an old looking Italian man impersonating a younger but still very old, Scandinavian fishmonger wearing a replica of the jacket worn by Ryan Gosling in the film “Drive” and a pair of pink shutter shades. He was last seen driving back towards the Fitchburg downtown area before disappearing, the suspect has yet to be identified by the Fitchburg “First Student” company, leading law enforcement to believe that the bus described was the same one reported stolen days earlier. No word yet from “First Student” on whether or not the suspect had worked for the company previously but a spokesperson commented: “I dunno man, but that ish is cray. Stuff is wild bruh.”

The seven club members remain in critical care at UMass Memorial in Fitchburg all for bone fractures and blood loss; several will still need surgery to safely remove the shattered bone fragments. All while the local bus driver responsible for all seven distinct and separate hit and runs remains at large. Astoundingly not one person could remember the license plate number or even the bus number, but remembered that maniacal look in his eyes as he drove wildly through students and nets over the 10 minute period. The group is now looking to expand their number of members before the 2016 semester comes to close.

 

***Managing Editor’s Note: Satire Week was the Point’s effort to lighten the mood of Final’s Week a bit. It was brought about by the desire for some of our writers to write satire, and by the requests of a surprising amount of readers.

If you liked our satire pieces, then we have some news for you. Next semester a group of awesome people, including myself, plan on starting a Satire Zine for Fitchburg State. If you are interested in writing for it, editing for it, taking pictures for it, or are just genuinly curious about it, feel free to message me (Nate Thomas) on facebook.

We will be posting a few more real articles into next week until we run out of content. Congratulations to all of the 2016 Falcon graduates, and to everyone else, I hope you have a great summer.***

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