Satire

BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump Buys Fitchburg State

May 17, 2016

COMPLETELY Written By: Andy Nalewski

Donald Trump has given up on his bid for the United States Presidency, instead opting to become president of Fitchburg State. Mr. Trump bought the University for a sum-total of 1.5 billion dollars, a significant investment for the business mogul.
The former presidential candidate says he wanted to give back to the community by using his skills as a businessman to help a relatively impoverished area build revenue and encourage citizens to get a higher education by significantly reducing tuition costs through private funding.
“Let me tell you when I heard Bernie Sanders’ plan for tuition free college; I was blown away. A lot of people asked me about affordable college. And it’s coming. We’re gonna bring it back. It’s stagnant right now, but we’re gonna bring it back, let me tell you. But a college is also a business, so room and board is gonna be increased by 150%. I never liked boarding. Commuting is the way to go; it helps support the oil industry.”
Trump was asked how he would accommodate new commuters in regards to parking.
“We’re gonna tear down Aubuchon. It’s gonna be a multi-level parking garage.” When asked about his vision for the future of the university, Trump responded saying that he was the right man for the position. “I think I could do a good job.”
Upon being pressed on the question, Trump detailed plans for more construction.
“People complain a lot about the construction here, but frankly, that’s crap. We have construction almost every semester. Every year students complain about loud noises and unsavory sights. But it doesn’t matter. We’re gonna build a wall. It’s gonna be great; better security for everyone and less pressure on campus police. And because so many students run on Dunkin’, I’m planning on buying that location and bringing it to the university.”
Trump also said he would redistribute the funding to departments, putting 80% into the business department, and that he would cut 60% of both the English and Art departments to make up for the discrepancy. “Those guys are losers. We need more businessmen and women to become entrepreneurs and follow the American Dream. The American Dream is gone right now, but it’s coming back. Let me tell you, we’re gonna bring it back.”
Trump also mentioned The Point at his inauguration speech.“We need to hold these journalists accountable for what they say. These may seem like good kids, but they aren’t business majors. They don’t get the tough decisions we have to make as leaders. When they criticize my policies, they make me look bad; they make the university look bad. And that’s just something we can’t have.”
Nate Thomas, head editor of The Point, responded to Trumps comments, agreeing with his new policy. “I agree with this. Mr. Trump knows what he’s doing, and has a great vision.”
DeMisty D. Belinger, the supervisor for The Point and professor of English studies at Fitchburg State, spoke out against Trump’s policy, calling it “an insipid desire for censorship.” Professor Belinger was fired a day later, with administration citing her “insufficient understanding of Fitchburg State’s code of conduct” as the reason for her termination, and Nate Thomas was rewarded with a full scholarship by President Trump himself.
“Nate’s a good kid. Smart, funny, talented. He’s gonna be my right-hand man. He knows the business. So I gave him a small loan of a million dollars.”Trump closed his inauguration speech with encouraging words for students and staff.“We’re gonna make FSU the best university in the world. We’re gonna make it great again.”